How to respond when people hurt us or hurt others.
Passage (NIV): Matthew 18:15-20
Preacher: Mark Kingston
People are precious
Last week we saw something fundamental: people are precious.
Every person bears the image of God. That gives every human being an inherent worth and dignity that cannot simply be lost. And within the church there is something more: every follower of Jesus is part of the body of Christ. Different, sometimes frustratingly different, but indispensable.
That is the frame for what Jesus says next.
People are precious. Relationships between people are precious. So when someone seriously harms another person, or is caught in something destructive to themselves or others, it matters. And the way we respond matters too.
This is about real harm
Matthew 18 is not about ordinary disagreements, personality clashes or someone irritating us. Jesus is talking about sin that causes real damage: betrayal, cruelty, manipulation, dishonesty, abuse of trust and other things that wound people and relationships.
Our instincts when we are hurt can be very different. We might talk to everyone except the person, avoid the whole thing, blame ourselves, or go in determined to win.
Jesus says: Go
Jesus says something much simpler and much harder:
Go. Go towards the person rather than away from them.
But this is not a command for someone who has suffered abuse to put themselves back in danger or confront an abuser alone. Where there has been abuse, coercion or serious risk, safety comes first. Bring trusted people in. Seek help. The church should help protect the person who has been harmed and find a safe way forward.
For other kinds of serious relational harm, Jesus’ direction is striking: rather than gossiping, withdrawing or seeking revenge, move towards the person in truth and love.
Why? Because the person who has been hurt is precious. The person who has caused the hurt is still precious. And the relationship between them is precious.
So the aim is not to win an argument, force an apology or punish someone. Jesus says that if they listen, “you have gained your brother or sister.” Something precious that was being lost has been recovered.
Widen the circle carefully
If they will not listen, Jesus widens the circle. Take one or two others, not as reinforcements, but as witnesses.
Their role is to listen carefully, establish what is true and help everyone involved see the situation more clearly. Sometimes that will confirm that one person has genuinely been wronged. Sometimes it may also help the hurt person see ways they have contributed to the conflict. Many broken relationships are more complicated than they first appear.
That does not mean responsibility is always equal, and it certainly must not be used to blur or excuse abuse. The point is that wise, trustworthy witnesses can help bring truth into the room.
If necessary, the matter eventually comes before the wider church. Even the difficult possibility of exclusion is meant to serve the hope that someone who is wandering might eventually come home.
Before we act, we discern
Jesus says,
“whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.”
The Greek can carry the sense:
“what you bind on earth will have been bound in heaven; what you loose on earth will have been loosed in heaven.”
In other words, heaven is not simply rubber-stamping whatever decision we make. Our task is to discern what God is already saying and doing.
And that is why Jesus’ next words matter so much: “where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” In the difficult work of confronting sin, protecting people and seeking restoration, Jesus is present with us.
So our first question is not simply, “What should we do?”. It is: “Jesus, you are here. What is your will in this? What are you doing? Help us to see it and join you in it.”
Then, when he calls us to go, we go...
Reflection Questions
If someone in church really hurt you, how do you think you'd naturally respond?
Do you tend to avoid it, take the hit, talk to others, blame yourself, go in swinging, or are you generally able to address things directly and well?Remember the framing: everyone involved is precious to God, and so is the relationship between them.
Precious means valuable, worth treating with care, worth working hard to save. How does that change the way you see the situation?Jesus says the goal is to “gain” your brother or sister.
That does not mean placating them or pretending the hurt does not matter. Gaining means the relationship is healed because the harm has been named, the person has heard it, and there has been repentance. How does that change what you would hope for as you go?Jesus widens the circle slowly: first one-to-one, then one or two others, then, if necessary, the wider church.
What wisdom do you see in that? How might bringing in trusted others help truth come to light without turning the situation into sides and camps?Jesus seems to assume that we will pray and discern together before making serious decisions.
Instead of rushing in, we ask: “God, what are you doing here, and how do you want us to respond?” What has helped you discern God’s will in difficult situations? Who are the people you trust to help you listen well to God?
